Thursday, October 13, 2011

after

Since coming home from our trip to St. Louis for my nephew's memorial, we've been running in a million different directions. In less than three weeks we've had Jimmy's mom to visit, and then my mom. Lena turned four and we threw her a little party at home and a big party at the park. I tried (and am still trying) to catch up on a freelance job, an illustration project, and an online class, all of which I signed up for just before everything fell apart in St. Louis. And our new family....project? Or, let's call it an adventure. Well, it suddenly took off just in the last two weeks, going from nada, to frenzy, to wild success! to scratch-that-you-are-at-least-temporarily-rejected-for-no-apparent-reason-try-again-later. (So that was fun.) Then there was Back to School Night at the preschool, Lena's twin friends' birthday party, and a lovely afternoon at the Ocean Park beach playground with my mom and my girls.

In the middle of all this, I finally, FINALLY, got in to see my new psychiatrist, an event which had me angst-ridden all on its own, and unfortunately the only date it would work was Lena's birthday. But it went well, I suppose, and after a very long meeting we agreed to try a specific supplement route before resorting to medication and also to run a new round of what turned out to be quite a lot of bloodwork, and then see where we are in about a month.

I can't tell you how strange it is to take fifteen years to decide that pills would be an acceptable solution, finally get in to make that happen, and then walk out of the office without them.

We'll see how this works out. Because after all the chaos of the last month, after my mom went home on Tuesday, after I finally sent out a revised PowerPoint and made a few more drawings for my freelance work, after I finally checked in to my online class already in progress, after our little family adventure fell apart (not necessarily permanently, but still it fell apart), after the house was cleaned up and put back together, after I had a moment to sit down and be still, I absolutely crashed. Again. And hard. Again.

And that was yesterday. To be perfectly honest, I'm doing better today, but I am not doing well. This is an untenable situation, if not just for me, for my family. One encouraging thing was that this morning my supplements arrived, much to my elation, but about a half an hour after taking the first handful I felt like throwing up. I don't know if they are going to be the solution, but I am trying to keep reminding myself that I am working on a solution, and that I have an excellent doctor and an even more excellent support system to help. I keep reminding myself.

I don't write this here to worry anyone. In fact I really WANT to write a much lighter post here, and soon. But the fact of the matter is that this where I am right now, and I am trying to change it, but change is coming slowly. So please, just bear with me. And thank you, again, for all of the encouragement. I cling to it.

2 comments:

Rae said...

Mel, I can't tell you how much it means to me when you share posts like this. It's a life raft, to know that struggles with balancing life and family and depression and treatment are not uniquely mine, and that someone else gets it. Thank you for sharing and letting me into your world a little bit. xo

Heidi King said...

Really nice writing. I'm so glad to find a fellow BYW student with your depth. I've subscribed -- and looking forward to more posts. All the best to you and your family...