Monday, October 17, 2011

I would also like to thank pumpkin bread and coffee, without whom I could not have written this post.

I am doing much better today. Thank goodness for Jimmy, who did everything he could to be available for me as much as possible over the last week, despite being in the middle of dailies at work. Thank goodness for my mom, who also called to check up on me several times and basically willed her love and support to be physically present with me despite the distance between us. And thank goodness for you, my dear friends and family who have sent me notes of encouragement over the last days, weeks, and even months. I just can't stress how much this has all meant to me. And it's made me believe that I've done the right thing in deciding to write about my depression here, because let me tell you, I agonized over that choice.

And I am doing much better today. We were busy again this weekend, of course, but I was able to get some work done, particularly on the illustration job I took a month or two ago. I'm not sure if I'm cleared to say what the project is, but the sketch you see here is just a sample of my contribution. This project is headed up by friends of mine, who offered very kindly to let me back out after reading my last few blog entries, but also very astutely noted that creative outlet can be a welcome relief for people in my position. And that has turned out to be exactly the case. I am enjoying the work so very much, and am planning to see it through. So thanks to them, too, for the opportunity.

I think, too, that the supplements must be helping. It's hard to tell, but I feel much calmer now than I did last week. I guess I'm just afraid to believe anything is really working, because it's scary as hell to be in charge of the lives and hearts of two little girls all day while you can barely manage to stay up and out of bed, and instead wind up practically hiding from them from breakfast through dinnertime so they won't see how much you've been crying, over nothing, and because you know that seeing their sweet little faces will make you have to sit down and cry all over again.

Last week was awful. But I feel so much better today. And I plan to feel even better tomorrow. And I plan to come here to talk about something else soon - something lovely, or funny, or happy - and not have to mention my ridiculous addled brain chemistry. Because people pull through this, yes? And I absolutely plan to be one of them.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

after

Since coming home from our trip to St. Louis for my nephew's memorial, we've been running in a million different directions. In less than three weeks we've had Jimmy's mom to visit, and then my mom. Lena turned four and we threw her a little party at home and a big party at the park. I tried (and am still trying) to catch up on a freelance job, an illustration project, and an online class, all of which I signed up for just before everything fell apart in St. Louis. And our new family....project? Or, let's call it an adventure. Well, it suddenly took off just in the last two weeks, going from nada, to frenzy, to wild success! to scratch-that-you-are-at-least-temporarily-rejected-for-no-apparent-reason-try-again-later. (So that was fun.) Then there was Back to School Night at the preschool, Lena's twin friends' birthday party, and a lovely afternoon at the Ocean Park beach playground with my mom and my girls.

In the middle of all this, I finally, FINALLY, got in to see my new psychiatrist, an event which had me angst-ridden all on its own, and unfortunately the only date it would work was Lena's birthday. But it went well, I suppose, and after a very long meeting we agreed to try a specific supplement route before resorting to medication and also to run a new round of what turned out to be quite a lot of bloodwork, and then see where we are in about a month.

I can't tell you how strange it is to take fifteen years to decide that pills would be an acceptable solution, finally get in to make that happen, and then walk out of the office without them.

We'll see how this works out. Because after all the chaos of the last month, after my mom went home on Tuesday, after I finally sent out a revised PowerPoint and made a few more drawings for my freelance work, after I finally checked in to my online class already in progress, after our little family adventure fell apart (not necessarily permanently, but still it fell apart), after the house was cleaned up and put back together, after I had a moment to sit down and be still, I absolutely crashed. Again. And hard. Again.

And that was yesterday. To be perfectly honest, I'm doing better today, but I am not doing well. This is an untenable situation, if not just for me, for my family. One encouraging thing was that this morning my supplements arrived, much to my elation, but about a half an hour after taking the first handful I felt like throwing up. I don't know if they are going to be the solution, but I am trying to keep reminding myself that I am working on a solution, and that I have an excellent doctor and an even more excellent support system to help. I keep reminding myself.

I don't write this here to worry anyone. In fact I really WANT to write a much lighter post here, and soon. But the fact of the matter is that this where I am right now, and I am trying to change it, but change is coming slowly. So please, just bear with me. And thank you, again, for all of the encouragement. I cling to it.