Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Here we go

The new year might have begun on Sunday, but we're still luxuriating in winter break around here. Jimmy's hiatus ran a bit longer than usual, and the girls' preschool schedule is a little erratic at the moment.  I don't think we'll really be back on schedule until Thursday, with Jimmy back at work, the girls both at school all day, and me at home doing...

...doing I have no idea what.  I don't even know how to finish that sentence.  I have a good long list of freelance work to be done, calls to be made, things to take care of around the house; but that's normal.  Now, for the first time, the girls are both going to be in school for three full days a week.  Three whole days a week without two toddlers around the house.  I'll probably finish half of my list on the first day, and the other half on the second.  I'm nearly giddy with excitement, except that I am equally as terrified. What on earth am I going to do? I haven't had this much time to myself in over four years, and I'm not sure I remember how to deal with it.  I'm going to miss my girls, and the house is going to feel so empty.  While I have more than enough things to do with my time - housework, freelance work, lunching on the beach just because I can, filing all of last year's bills - something about the prospect of actually having that uninterrupted time to do these things is completely bewildering.

This, combined with how I'm still learning who I am with a little better living through chemistry, makes for such an incredible shot at the new year, I know.   I'm doing better than ever, and I have some energy and motivation, too, sensations so new that they still catch me by surprise eighteen times a day. Now I'll also have some time to explore the possibilities of....well, the possibilities of who I can be.  And man, I barely know what that means, but I do know how lucky I am, on so many counts.   To be feeling so good at last, to be able to send the girls to preschool, to be able to take some time to figure myself out.  It's not completely easy - part of figuring myself out is going to NEED to include figuring out how to pick up more freelance work, or figure out if I need to go back to work full time, because goodness knows preschool isn't cheap.  But still, I know, lucky.  Blessed.  This wouldn't be happening without Jimmy, either, the most encouraging, supportive, and patient husband.  And I'll never be able to thank him enough.

So my New Year's goals are a little different this year.   I want to work on so many things, to change so many things about myself, to improve our lives as a family. But I'm afraid to put on too much pressure, or to be too specific.  2012 looks to be a year of options, of possibilities, and maybe real change for our family.  I want to get it right.

My 2012 goals:

*eat healthy - I'm eating somewhat of a more paleo-style diet now, most of the time. Mostly paleo most of the time. So far, so good, and I can already feel the difference.   I've done this before, so I know what I'm getting into, and I also know this way of eating works so well for me.
*be active - walk the girls to school more often, get out of the house, see the sun occasionally. I'd like to be able to bike to the beach before summer is over.
*be frugal - spend less on food, spend less on spoiling the girls. These are tough goals for us, but boy does it ever need to happen.
*finish the baby books.
*learn to play my amazing Christmas present, even if I only manage the two songs I'm fumbling through now - Skinny Love and Hallelujah.
*write.  write here, and write often.
*freelance more. Or go back to work full-time. Or go back to work part-time, and also freelance. Or have a dozen more babies and afford them all by moving to a farm and living off the land. That would work, right?
*listen to much more music.

That list might look painfully normal to you, but it looks painfully amazing to me.  Maybe because this year I feel like I can actually successfully accomplish every goal.  Or maybe because there's that goal I can't really articulate properly, so it isn't on the list - the one about giving myself room to figure myself out.  I don't know that "figuring myself out" is something I can accomplish, but I really do like the part about "giving myself room."  It sounds too good, and I'm almost too afraid to get started.  And yet, here we go.  Ready or not.

1 comment:

Donna said...

Both my kids start school next week too...I was feeling the same way you're feeling :)