Wednesday, February 1, 2012

february follows

We snuck out for an unexpected dinner-for-two at our favorite local place last night, and felt like kids playing hooky, having drinks on a Tuesday night, eating an uninterrupted meal, someone else tucking our babies into bed.  We were able to look at each other and have a conversation, or just, you know, look at each other.  (Seven years in, and I have to say, I still really like that guy across the table.)  I know I needed it, and terribly so.

January, man.  She knocked me off my feet - twice.   And the last two or three days of coming up for air after the last cold or flu symptoms finally began to disappear, well, they just weren't what I wanted.   I found myself sitting in an empty room, yesterday, feeling much better.   House cleaned.  Toys put away.  Laundry washed, folded, ironed, put away.  Groceries bought and put away.  Neat and tidy and quiet.  And I sat there and felt a creeping terror that none of it mattered.  That I was inescapably about to be right back where I was last fall, unable to be happy about anything.

I'd almost forgotten what it felt like, that horrifying, empty echo of nothing in your being; the feeling that if you were stuck through with a pin, the pin would pass through skin, then nothing - nothing nothing nothing nothing - then skin again. 

I don't think that's so much the case this morning.  Probably, really, the memory was the worst part, and the memory was really what was happening, more than actually being that way again.  After several weeks of illness interspersed with being a little too busy, by the time I came out of it I guess I was just trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.  Now where was I?  And that small feeling of being lost reminded me of that other feeling of being really lost.

But I guess it's good to know it's possible.  To know that good medication is a miracle, but I might never be cured, and this is something requiring eternal vigilance.  Never drop your guard.

So, February. Another month, another day, and we're starting this again.   Last night I had the chance to confess to my best friend about how frightened I'd been earlier in the day, and he took my hand and looked me in the eye and made me remember that we really have come SO far, and so fast, and life is already so much better, and feelings like this may come, but we are learning how to beat them back.  And I know that we are doing this together.

A Wednesday morning seems so arbitrary, and I know it really is no different, really, than a Sunday, or a Monday, or even a Saturday.  But we call this Wednesday the first of the month, and I'm a sucker for new starts, as you are now very well aware.   January wasn't bad.  She just knocked me off my feet - twice.   Maybe three times, if I'm honest.   So today begins February, and I am beginning it by getting up, just a little earlier today, while the light is still gray and blue.  I am enjoying this gift from my husband, too - the chance to hide in my room for a few minutes, headphones on, writing to you.  It's a good start.  Let's do this, February.

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