Tuesday, February 21, 2012

contentment

The worst part about taking an unexpected three week break from blogging, I believe, is knowing how to begin again. I think I've said it before, here, that when I'm not writing in this little space I am thinking about writing here. And after three weeks of thinking about writing, a hundred different thoughts wanting to work themselves out when I've been so busy I haven't had time to process anything above managing our family's schedule, now that I have the time to decompress I hardly know where to start.

We've been busy, yes. And the day after I wrote about tackling February head-on, I woke up, stepped out of bed, and threw my back out for the first time. And there were doctor's appointments, freelance assignments, kindergarten informational meetings, birthday parties, auditions, and a day on set with Miss Lena. Jimmy's mom came to visit for a week, and we surprised the girls with a day at Disneyland. We've been running all month. Or sick. Or both.

This afternoon is the first time I've felt I could sit. Breathe. Decompress. Be still.

And here is what I am feeling today, here in the dimming afternoon light of a blue skied day, windows shut against the chilled breeze, cats curled up in circles on the bedspread, house quiet....I am so lucky. I've been frustrated with illness and stressed about finances; completely lost in the face of too many big decisions that need to be made; impatient with the kids; agitated by my poor time management; increasingly upset by my uncanny ability to neglect my own health. I thought that it would be one of those things that I'd want to write about today. But now, in this moment, all I can think about are the chubby cheeks and long lashes I kissed goodbye at the preschool this morning. Or about the increasingly precocious little girl with wavy "princess hair" from sleeping in braids last night whom I registered for kindergarten this morning. Or my handsome husband who trooped through twelve hours at Disneyland with two toddlers during a holiday weekend, exhibiting more patience and stamina than I ever had, never once even hinting at a complaint, but focusing all energy on making sure his girls had the best time possible, and making it so.

I finally have a moment to myself, and I miss my family.

I guess I'm not used to this - to being able to push aside the anxiety and the frustration, without even thinking about it. But here it is. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. The most blessed. The happiest. Everything else will work out. It has to.

No comments: