Saturday, March 10, 2012

a room with a new view (i hope)

I feel like I'm drowning over here. This isn't about depression or medication again, it's just about someone or other in our family having been sick almost every day since the new year. Ridiculous. We have never been so sick so often before. Mostly it's just been one cold or another. We did have that weird five-day-of-high-fever paraflu thing that I'd never heard of, but apparently you can still contract an illness even if you've never heard of it. Nobody was sick on my birthday, and that was great. Nobody was sick when Jimmy's mom visited for a week, and that was also great, (but it's not as though we were getting things done, then). And technically nobody was sick the week that I threw out my back. Yeah. That's how it's been.

Truly, I'm trying not to complain too much. Nobody is terribly ill. But I'm tired of watching my little girls lie pale and feverish on the sofa, with little noses so red and sore, watching TV instead of running around outside in the sunshine. I'm tired of telling Lena we can't go to a party, a playdate, church, ballet, or an audition because she's too sick. I'm dreading breaking the news to her today that she can't go to a favorite friend's birthday party this afternoon. She's been talking about it all day long, and all day yesterday, too. Right now she's lying next to me with sad eyes, a temp of 102', asking when we can go and talking about birthday cake.

And I'm frustrated. I was supposed to be finding time for myself this year, and changing things for the better. Finally getting past the depression after twenty years of it, and both girls big enough to spend a few days a week in school - I was going to be wrapping up old projects, working more, writing more, getting some exercise. Finally.

Anyway. I know this too shall pass. (By the way - one of my least favorite sayings, that. Couldn't tell you why, exactly.) I know the cold season has been particularly bad for everyone, and it isn't just us. And I know, in the grand scheme of things, this is a minor problem I'm having.

Still, I'm cooked. And without the blocks of quiet time I want to concentrate on work, or writing, or sorting photos for family, I've been spending much, much more time than necessary checking quick things like facebook and Instagram, or scrolling through my blog feeds. I need a change, and I need another perspective. If I can't leave the house except to run to Target for more tissues and Gatorade, I'm at least going to try to spend my time inside the house looking at something different. And maybe I'll learn to handle long-form projects in quick blocks of interrupted time, like the last three months of photos I need to sort, or the pile of work I need to attack, or maybe, you know, a BOOK. I know, I've been a parent for 4 1/2 years - I should have learned this skill by now.

But all that to say - I'm going to close my facebook tab today, and will try to keep it closed for a week. I'm going to shut down my RSS feeder for a week, too. I hope to still be here, and maybe occasionally on Instagram. But if you need me, it's going to have to be via email or phone. So old school, I know. I'm hoping that after a week, though, even if we're still fighting off the next dumb cold, I'll at least be a little bit - even if just a tiny bit - less cranky about it.

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