I'm not sure what I expected to happen once I finally wrote about the difficult time I've had deciding whether or not to have more children. Unfortunately, I didn't press "publish" and then immediately fall into an epiphanous trance where the answer came to me clear and certain. That would have been REALLY nice. (*Ahem* btw I'm still available for this experience if Anyone is interested in offering it.) But I do feel like the message I received back was to let go of fear in my life, and while that could mean a lot of things for me, I think it really hits the mark regarding how I look toward the future. On top of what I assume are normal parental-type grown-up worries such as concern for my family's safety and worry that I'm ruining my children by letting them watch Dora or giving them gummy vitamins, I've been afraid of so many other things, too: running out of money, running out of space, running out of time, running out of patience, having three kids, only having two kids, raising them in Los Angeles, not raising them in Los Angeles... Honestly, it's a pretty long list.
But I'm trying to recognize these things as fears, and moreover, fears that are not necessary or worthwhile. And I want to tell you that in making this effort, on Sunday morning I woke up feeling good. Really, really good. As someone who has been struggling with depression since her teen years, I've always said that I don't even understand what "normal" is supposed to feel like. On Sunday, I think I felt normal. It was nice. And if I'm right, and that is "normal", then I'd just like to say that if you wake up feeling pretty good about your life on a regular basis, well, ROCK ON. Enjoy that. Take it to heart. Thank your lucky stars, and be happy. What a gift.
Anyway. Suffice to say, I think there might be something to this letting go of fear business. Sunday was fantastic, we then spent most of it at the carnival I posted about yesterday, and by the end of the day we were all exhausted and I was fighting off a migraine. Yesterday was difficult, I still wasn't feeling well and the girls were a bit of a handful for much of the day, and now today is one of those days where our schedule is all messed up and Jimmy and I are scrambling to cover all our bases and it's just shaping up to be a long, stressful Tuesday. This state of affairs is more along the lines of my personal normal. At any rate, though, I'm feeling hopeful. I've had a glimpse of something very good, and think I can keep working at this. I'd like to have that Sunday morning experience on a more regular basis. I'm shooting for it.
Somewhat along these lines, I was catching up on my blog feeds this morning, and came across these posts from two of my favorite bloggers. I am regularly inspired by both of their blogs, although they are quite different from each other, and it amazes me to see that they are regular people who have been so brave; they have gone out and put something beautiful into the world, and now they have a chance to see their bravery growing, recognized, appreciated. It makes me happy, so I wanted to share with you:
Christina Rosalie on her new book, A Field Guide to Now. (I can't wait to get my copy!)
Colossal Turns Two, and steps out from behind the curtain. (If you're not following Colossal, you are missing a wonderful thing.)
Happy Tuesday, friends.