Friday, January 11, 2013
I am trying to write. For the first time in a month or more I have a quiet house and uninterrupted time to write, a luxurious convergence of events I have been aching to utilize, but here I am and the words are backlogged and soggy after waiting, stewing for so long, and now they are disorderly, lazy, and lethargic to boot. Uncooperative. Rolling over and asking for just five more minutes in bed, but, you know, not really asking, and not really meaning just five more minutes but rather something more along the lines of go away already, jerk. Impolite.
Earlier this week I told you my resolution (or, for those too jaded for resolutions, call it my goal) for 2013 is this: Show Up. And, granted, I've taken my time getting around to it. I told you about that, too. But I am ready, now. I am ready, and I am determined to fight my way out of hibernation in order to get there. And it is a fight.
A fight worth having, though. Because Show Up kept, you know, showing up last year. It showed up indirectly in a talk with my therapist, it showed up directly in the first message at our new church, it showed up in my Instagram feed full of adventurers photographing a stunning world outside while I continually photograph the same interior of our 710-square-foot duplex, and it showed up in one of my favorite blogger's - wait for it - Manifesto for Showing Up.
At a certain point a person has to cry uncle, and give in to the Universe at large. Right? No, it isn't a specific answer to any of the very specific questions I have been asking....and asking and asking. But I hear that arguing with the Eternal tends to be pointless. Annoying as hell, but there it is. So I didn't argue, but I tried to listen. You have to be present in the moment, it said. And you have to make some choices, and GO. Life is happening outside your front door, so SHOW UP for it. You want change? Because change is not in your living room. You want inspiration? You want to meet God? Stop waiting for the miraculous to come to you. Try going to where you KNOW you can find IT once in a while. The sun sets in the west every day, and you could easily be there to witness that daily miracle if you just made a little effort to be there, to look for it, if you would just show up for it. SHOW UP.
And messages from the Universe aside, this is something I've known in my heart for a long, long time, now. It is Truth to me because I've known it to be true for ages. But I was sunk in depression, and then, after depression became smaller than me, I walked away from it with some very sharp but rather undesirable skills, in this case a knack for miring myself in the questions, the questions which only multiply while I wait for answers increasingly obscured by more questions. Now it is simply time to leave the questions behind. I either want to solve them with any answer at all, correct or not, or I want to move away from them. I need forward motion. I need to be present in the moment, I need to turn wishes into action, and I need to get out. Fresh air in my lungs, sun in my hair, dirt under my fingernails. Tired feet and sweat trickling down my back. Sandy shoes, mosquito bites, scraped knees. A mess of a house. I am going to hate this. And it is going to be so good.
And I will drag my children along behind me if I need to. Because we all need this.
All of us.