Thursday, February 21, 2013
two things this blog wasn't about
It's just part of my nature: to question, to search, to wonder, to seek out all the possibilities. On the plus side, it makes me a dreamer. It keeps me open to change. It keeps me looking for new ideas and experiences. It helps me understand where other people are coming from. On the other side, well, isn't it obvious? I am an expert at wanting more, wanting other, at changing my mind, at second-guessing myself, at feeling lost in it all.
Writing here is so good for me. I know, I say that all the time, but it is so very true. Writing here helps me get it all out - all that second-guessing and wondering - and somehow it helps me find my way. In the year or year-and-a-half since I've really been devoting my time to showing up here, I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about you, and that I've changed in good ways. I feel like a better version of myself, and the path forward does slowly become clearer.
In practical terms, though, life hasn't changed all that much. Honestly, outside of that one small thing of, you know, having children, our lives have altered very little in the eight years since we got married. Eight years. For someone who spent the previous three years moving every year, and the five years before that moving every three months, settling into what was intended to be a temporary situation for now nearly a decade gives me cabin fever in the very worst way. It's been especially bad since Lena was born. Five, six years of cabin fever. And we just keep adding inmates!
At least they're cute.
Because we would like to move forward with our lives in several ways - housing, career, finances, travel - frustration at the lack of change creeps in too often, and I think this frustration is the worst. I keep fighting it off with daily, even moment-by-moment reminders of how good we have it. If you read here much at all, you know this. Maybe you're tired of it. But reminding myself to stay in the right now and love what we DO have is the best way that I battle my frustrations and fears about our future.
The other way I battle is by looking for opportunities to fix it. But I'm not having as much success as I'd like with this. Jimmy and I both want me to be able to stay home for the girls, so I am trying to build businesses I can run from home while they're at school, but it is slow going getting things off the ground. Plus, freelance work has been spotty at best over the last couple of years, and lately my facebook business page and sundry other little business-type web extensions are giving me so many headaches that I'm almost ready to go back to school to brush up on graphic design and coding and business business business and WAIT A MINUTE. Did I just say "go back to school"? The??? No, wait, I can fix this: homework. pop quizzes. term papers. finals. REGISTRAR.
Anyway. I do have a point. Jimmy has suggested I try a new approach for earning money, namely by saving money by managing it better, and after some sobering looks at our budget we both know that this needs to be done. And while "budgeting" almost makes a visit to the registrar's office sound like a fabulous vacation plan, the key word is "almost." So, budgeting wins by a punch in the nose! Who wants to celebrate with me? Papercuts all around!
Oh, and it gets better. After writing about how much I dislike cooking and food, it is also clear that I need to tackle that with the great recipes you've all sent to me, and meal plans! Hooray! This post just gets better and better! WHO WANTS KALE CHIPS AND A SOCK IN THE EYE?
(Note to self! New business idea: teach classes on how to market a blog series. CHA-. CHING.)
I'm so jazzed, I know you can tell. But it all seems inevitably necessary. Linked with Showing Up, even, and part of 36 before 36. So. More to come. I'm thinking March will be start-cooking-and-tackle-the-budget month around here. It might also magically be hide-M&Ms-and-bourbon-under-the-couch-cushions month. If you have advice - for the budgeting and cooking, I mean (I know perfectly well how to take care of the M&Ms and bourbon, thank you) - throw it at me, please. I am less than thrilled, but anxious for change and some semblance of control over my family's future. I promise there will still be photos of the girls and plenty of ramblings from the inner workings of my ever-entertaining neurosis. Because the writing here, it's still so good for me. I haven't gone THAT far off the deep end.
Not yet, anyway.