Thursday, July 18, 2013

because paychecks and pickle jars

A few people have asked me if the recent lull in writing here is an indication that I am not doing well.  Formulating a response to this has been tricky.  In a way, no, I am not well, but only because I haven't had any time to write.  Really, I am fine.  Summer is just too busy at our house.  We've been traveling and traveling again, packing, unpacking, running to swim lessons, juggling odd summer-hour schedules, entertaining visitors, managing everything with one car, and trying very hard all the while to keep up with a three-year-old whose three-year-old-ness is in major overdrive lately.  It's all very hectic and nerve-wracking and tiring, but generally fine and good, except that I haven't had any time to write.  And not having any time to write makes me cranky, to say the least.  You see?

Well.  It may not make any sense, but it's true.  Writing helps me think, and there has been so much to think about.  One thing I can tell you about is that it looks like I am going to be heading back to work in the fall.  Where, I have no idea.  I've been a stay-at-home mom (with some freelance work on the side) for a solid six years, now.  The company I previously worked for was great, but it's a long commute away and now I have kids to worry about, so I'm hoping to find something closer to home.  Maybe something part-time?  I don't know.  I suppose we'll just see what's out there when it's time, but my years at home, the bad's hard to pretend these things won't be obstacles.  Not to mention this blog, which I love, but I made the decision back when I re-launched it that I was going to be up front about who I am, here.  Putting my name on this site has kept me conscientious about what I write, and I don't regret it.  But I always knew that if I needed to go back to work one day I might have to make changes here, and those changes might be coming quickly, now.  You tell me - if you were an employer, would you hire someone who wrote openly about living with depression and seeking psychiatric help for it?  In this economy?  If my full name disappears from this site in the near future, I am sorry.  I hope you understand.  Because, unfortunately, I need a paycheck.  Hello, reality.

Another change I have been considering is to stop posting so many photos of my girls.  Lena is nearly six, after all, and I'm beginning to feel like she deserves some privacy.  (Although after spending some time with various teens and pre-teens in our family over the past few months,  I'm wondering if this generation will EVER care about privacy.)  This may be another reason to scrub my name from the blog, though.  Oh, I'm not sure how this will all net out, yet.  Maybe it will be a slow migration.  It just feels like it's time to make a few adjustments, that's all.

There has been a lot on my mind.  So many things about to change, I think.  I feel it in my bones.  Yes, really.  I feel it the same way I can feel bottled-up emotions in other people, the same way I know which random person from my past my mom is about to tell me news about before she's said two words.  It's sort of like knowing just exactly how to rap the unopened pickle jar on the counter so you can pop the lid with ease.  I just have this sense that the day-to-day routine of our lives is eroding quickly, invisibly, and that this time next year we will be....different.  How much different, I don't know.  Maybe all it will mean is a part-time job at the grocery store for me.  Maybe we'll finally have replaced Jimmy's beat up car.  Maybe I'll just have a new haircut.

But it feels like it it is going to be more than that.

(I'm excited.)