Monday, October 21, 2013

muted




I can't lie:  it's an effort to write, these days.  My whole person feels drawn in, silent, increasingly put off by the noise of the television, the radio, the unending online chatter.  Writing here is a mystery.  Not so much an aversion to communication; I don't even know what to communicate right now.

There is a slowly solidifying possibility that my time alone at home is drawing to end - that I could be working, soon.  I should be blazing through the hours I have.  Taking care of paperwork, filing, mending, organizing, marking off those last projects still stubbornly stuck on my list.  I should be writing, drawing, endlessly.  I should be climbing that hill.

All I want to do is curl up and read in the silence.  Or cook.  Which - yes - is downright crazy coming from me.  I can't explain it.  I am feeling just fine, in general.  Just fine, just humming at the lowest frequency.  No bother.

Not to worry.  This post right here - this is working through it.  I'm working through it.  Head down, eyes on my own paper, but most certainly working through it.




Thursday, October 17, 2013

soft focus




Life is generally good these days, just generically busy and rolling along quickly, days mushing into weeks that pile into the corners like cobwebs needing to be swept up, thrown out, whisked away.  I am fine, but lacking focus for anything much more than accomplishing the minimum.  On the other hand, sometimes the minimum has meant crawling into a book for an hour or two (if I can get it), and that's hard to disparage.  I've missed reading.

Now that Lena's sixth birthday has passed, I some have time again for myself, and I really need it.  I feel soft - inside and out.  I miss writing, and I need exercise.  I have drawings to do, and goals to accomplish.  I'm just having a hard time remembering how to focus my energy, or maybe my body is rebelling.  All I really want to do in the moment is read, or nap.  Hosting a party for Lena and her school friends last week just drained about a month's worth of energy out of this introvert, maybe.  I am tired.  But I will keep moving forward.  I will find my drive.  And maybe, if I need to take a nap in the meantime, it wouldn't quite be the end of the world.