Sunday, February 16, 2014

bullet train

I'd like so much to know how time shot into super-ultra-high-speed-shazam! last fall, as though I boarded a bullet train in September and have since just watched the events of my life blur into one endless landscape on the other side of the passenger window.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, my birthday....I was so busy making the holidays happen that I'm not even sure I had the energy to experience them.  New Year's and my birthday usually include moments of introspection and reassessment for me, but not this year.  That passenger window fogged over and I tried to rub a clear spot so I could see through, but already the moment was gone.  Time feels vacuum-sucked out of my days, my weeks, my months, and now I know that time is air for the soul.  Yep.  There's your pseudo-poetic moment of the day:  time is air for the soul (and mine is suffocating).  Somebody print a t-shirt!

(Okay, possibly I'm whining.)

Anyway.  Shazam.  Last fall, the girls had heaps of auditions for a while, and I had heaps of drawings to deliver by Christmas.  We had soccer practice, soccer games, after-school tutoring.  Holidays.  And then, just before Christmas, I accidentally landed myself a full-time job.  For real.  We traveled twice for family over the holidays, and once for (a) business (party).  Our house underwent a partial remodel.  We hunted for and hired an after-school nanny.  Jimmy worked weekends.  We bought a minivan.  I finally started my job.  We all found ourselves flung into a new routine.

Every single thing has been good.  Every.  Single.  Thing.  I continue to be the luckiest.  In fact, I'm upgrading the title now with capital letters:  The Luckiest.  That's me.

But I've lost the ability to make time for myself in the process.  Not only have I not been blogging, but I haven't been reading my favorite blogs, either.  Or reading much at all, for that matter.  I officially abandoned Anna Karenina and all those chapters on 19th century Russian farming techniques.  I've been drawing, but only drawing for custom orders.  My list of 36 before 36 just blew right by with my birthday, so, climbing that hill?  Visiting all those awesome places?  Learning even one song on the guitar?

Come on, don't make me say it.

Slowly I am picking up the pieces of my personal time.  I have piles of thoughts to write down, and whether or not he's realized it, Jimmy has had the sad task of living with a writer who wasn't writing these past five months.  I'd like to offer him some relief, if nothing else.  I want to write about what it's like to go from a stay-at-home mom of 6.5 years to an accidental working-full-time mom.  I want to show you some of the cool things that happened around here since I last wrote.  Mostly, I just want to remember how to be engaged in my own life, again, instead of watching it sweep by out the window.

The view isn't bad at all.  In fact, the view is pretty spectacular.  I just want to be out there in it again.